This Autism Journey

I realized the other day that our family is in a lull. I love lulls. I consider a lull to be a time when everyone and everything seems perfectly balanced. For so long we were just going from one behavioral issue to the next, but now both kids seem to be steady.

We used to never have lulls. One or both were always in crisis or, my personal favorite, they would take turns being in crisis. As soon as one was calmed down and back to being ok, the other would start up. Sometimes this would happen multiple times a day. It was exhausting but these lulls, man, they are just the best.

When the lull breaks

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. When the lull passes and it never ceases to surprise me when I am back in the thick of it. A clear warning sign that the lull is soon to be over is when sleep regression rears its ugly head, someone or both of the kids get sick, things start getting destroyed around the house, dis-regulation is more frequent, there are more meltdowns, and suddenly neither kid loves their one favorite meal.

When the lull ends I usually feel a profound sense of dread because I don’t want it to stop. It’s just so easy being in that place. I have been working hard on not focusing on what could go wrong and instead enjoying the good times but it’s not easy. I just want the peacefulness of the lull to be the default family setting most of the time! I often feel as though I don’t have the right amount of mental and emotional fortitude to keep things going. At least a lull helps me recharge a little.

Being Intentional

I’m ready for a change. I’ve tried all the self-help you can get. I’ve tried meditating, journaling, having a gratitude journal, praying, reading, exercising, therapy, you name it and I have probably tried it. I’m not saying that none of this has helped, because it has to a degree but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. I heard a piece of advice the other day that got me thinking and perhaps I should try it. It’s being intentional. Intentional can be a bit of a buzz word but hear me out.

I have a tendency, at times, of going through the motions and not being fully engaged. I usually do this when I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. The crazy thing is that I think no one notices but they do. My kids definitely do.

(Please know that depending on where you are on this Autism parenting journey, there are going to be times when you are going to go through the motions and sometimes that is all you can do when you have minimal amounts of energy, and creativity. So, no judgement from me. I get it. These are the times when it’s best to give yourself a little grace. )

I ask myself what does being intentional mean to me? I need to think about this more. I like to think that, for me, it’s being present behind every word, action, reaction, and response. It’s easy for me to just exist, especially on those really challenging days, and some days that’s the best I can give. On the days that are not so challenging, is that when I need to double down on being intentional? If I practice on the easy days will it get better on the hard days? What does it mean to you?

I suspect that if I am more intentional then I won’t feel like I’m letting myself or my family down. Parenting is hard but I know I can do hard things. A girl can try, can’t she? I guess time will tell. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Take care.