This Autism Journey

As I was struggling parenting my Autistic children when they were younger I was often told by well-meaning people to express gratitude for the situation. The sentiment was expressing gratitude will help me focus on the positives and not dwell on the negatives which will improve the situation. Except it didn’t.

I got to a point where no amount of gratitude would have helped me out of a paper bag. Gratitude was not enough. Positive thinking was not enough. Praying was not enough. Nothing seemed to be enough to relieve the pressure, the difficulty, and the low-voltage depression that I was experiencing. It was like being cloaked in a heavy blanket but still able to function.

What got me here

During my children’s early years, I started to lose parts of myself. I had stopped being creative, pursuing my own personal goals and interests, and socializing. I was completely consumed with taking care of and trying to figure out this Autism thing. I just knew that no amount of gratitude was going to get me out of this funk.

Dare I say that many parents of Autistic children carry some level of depression at one point or another during our children’s lives. We keep going because we love our kids. We know what the world is like and we want to prepare them, shield them, and let them experience its wonders and joy. Our love is so great that we are willing to sacrifice everything for them often to the detriment of our own well-being.

I remember sitting in a Target parking lot on a hot late August day recovering from one of my children having a meltdown in the store when I received a call from my son’s Mental Health Case Manager. She was checking in to see how things were going that summer and to hear my thoughts on what I was looking forward to in the upcoming school year. I remember being extremely blunt and verbally vomiting all of my angst. I clearly had reached a breaking point. She asked me if I had seen or would like to see a therapist. I told her I didn’t see how that would change my situation.

What changed

So I slogged through the days for a couple more months before I finally took her advice. I asked for help not for the situation but for myself. I started seeing a therapist who works specifically with parents and families who have children with special needs. I know not everyone wants to pursue therapy but I knew I had made the right decision for myself.

I left that session in tears because I had finally found someone with whom I could be completely honest. She understood what I was experiencing and I didn’t have to explain all the subtle nuances of my situation. What a relief! I felt comforted when she stated plainly that the situation was not going to change but that I could change myself in the situation. I just had to put in the work.

What self-care can look like

I honestly believe that in order to show up as best we can for our kids we have to show up for ourselves. For me, that’s being kind to myself. Speaking kindly to oneself is simple but can be difficult when everyday is a struggle. Showing grace when we mess up and learning from past mistakes are forms of kindness and self-care that we so desperately need to give ourselves.

Taking care of our physical bodies is important because Lord knows we all probably want to live a very long life just so our kids will have someone to look out for them. I know my goal is to live to be 100 with the body of a 40 year old. Doable? Maybe. Haha! Being physically healthy can be a great release for chronic stress. Bonus point is that it also keeps you looking good in your jeans!

Are there hobbies or activities that you once engaged in but had to place on the back burner? Remember those things that you used to love? I used to LOVE running. I stopped running after my second child and now I don’t remember why? I really should find a way to get back to it.

Gratitude definitely has its place and you don’t lose anything by engaging in it but there is more that we can do to take care of ourselves. I know that we are all in different stages of this parenting journey and some are easier to navigate than others, but I hope you remember that you also deserve to take care of yourself.

Speak gently and kindly to yourself, ask for help if you need it, stay as healthy as you can, and try to engage in what gives you joy and reminds you of who you are. Most importantly do these things with compassion and love in your heart towards yourself.

I would love to hear what you do for self-care.

I wish you well.

Take care.