This Autism Journey

Throughout the years, I have been asked if I enjoyed being a Stay at Home Mom. I’ve often responded, “I could be doing other things”, which was always frowned upon in polite society. I’ve always struggled with not enjoying being a parent. Please don’t mistake what I am saying. I absolutely, without a doubt, love my children with all of my being. The parenting part of it, well, not so much. You see, I have never been the object of a parent’s “everything”, nor am I a parent who wanted my children to be “my everything”. I had dreams, aspirations, as well as and goals for my life. I wanted my kids to be a part of that. A part of my life, not the sole focus of my life. Now they are my Accidental Everything.

Some people are not going to like what I just said. Trust me, I have heard it all. From sympathy to judgement to basically being called a bad parent for not being grateful that I get to be a parent. You know what? I don’t really care. This is my life, and I only have one. I grapple everyday with how it is so demonstrably different than what I had imagined. How all consuming being a parent to Autistic kids has been. Every day I struggle to reconcile between what I thought it was going to be and what in reality it actually is. There is a term that my therapist often brings up to me and that is Radical Acceptance. Some days I can radically accept it all and I feel like I am riding high. Other days, it is hard as hell to radically accept where I am on this journey. There is a tendency in me to just ignore my hard truths and just plow on and get the damn thing done. No complaining and no explaining. Unfortunately, that is unsustainable.

You see, I came into this parenting journey with all the excitement and joy of what I would be as a parent. I thought I would enjoy all the moments, attend all the games, applaud at all the performances, drive to and host all the sleepovers, admire what my kids took an interest in, etc. Instead I got, endless sleepless nights, moments of pleasure turning into meltdowns, reluctance to participate in activities due to anxiety, behaviors – my god the behaviors!!, endless IEP meetings and battles with schools, dealing with isolation and misunderstanding, judgment and no time to pursue anything other than what my kids need, and the list goes on and on.

I know a lot of parents feel like this is the way that parenting is. You sacrifice and put your kids first. I even admire some of those parents. But there is a balance. I’m sure those parents are able to send their kids to their grandparents for a weekend so they can go on a quick getaway. I can not. I’m sure those parents can call their kids friends and set up a sleepover. I can not. I’m sure those parents may have to drive their kids everywhere but generally know they will not be overwhelmed with sensory stimuli and therefore will have a meltdown. I can not. I can’t do those things because as a parent to Autistic children I have to think of all the little details that others do not. There are too many unknowns. I’m just looking for balance. The balancing is the hardest part. It’s exhausting and never ending.

This is why I call it Accidental Everything. My kids are not accidents. My need to take care of them became my everything. It’s the default setting of all-consuming, all-sacrificing, no downtime all the time that has made my parenting journey my Accidental Everything. It’s an everything that I have finally come to embrace. It’s an everything that I have come to see the beauty in. It’s an everything that I have finally decided to enjoy instead of rejecting. It’s an everything that comes at a price and that price is me. It’s my Accidental Everything, and it means the world to me.