This Autism Journey

Have you ever experienced something where you couldn’t find the words but when someone does find the words it just rings true? I recently had that experience, and I can’t tell you how much I finally feel seen. The words that stopped me in my tracks are “Going Silent”. Megan Champion (https://www.instagram.com/on.the.hard.days/) did a Live on Instagram about how parents of neurodivergent kids go silent for various reasons. Many times, it’s due to shame, judgment from others, or just not having the energy to explain their child or family.

I was floored when she named what I have been doing for years. It made me think about my reasons for going silent. Going silent is what I did to protect myself, people’s perceptions of my children, and how I wanted to be perceived. Going silent, for me, is a self-preservation mechanism but eventually, it tends to fester, making things harder. 

I also went silent to avoid embarrassment and judgment, and the shame that I didn’t have a better handle on my children. I didn’t want to be compared or compare myself to other parents and their experiences. I didn’t want to lie about how hard it had been for so many years so I wouldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to burden other people with my problems, so I carried it alone. At one point I didn’t even have the emotional bandwidth to talk about my kids or what we were going through for fear that I would just end up sobbing. So, I stayed silent. If asked “How are the kids?” a polite “They’re fine” was all I could muster. So, I retreated and kind of disappeared.

I’m still silent on a lot of things that are difficult for me to explain or put into words. Now, I don’t do it as much out of shame but more so out of exhaustion. People don’t want to hear about the 40-minute meltdown and near-death experience when my child ran into the road, they just want to hear that we had a nice time at the museum. I don’t blame them. I don’t want to hear a disappointing recap myself.

There is one group of people that I nearly always go silent around and that is parents of neurotypical children. They mean well but our parenting paths are too divergent and it’s hard for most, not all, to truly understand. So, I just stick to subjects that are universal to all kids. Sure, you can make the case that if we don’t speak up then those parents won’t ever know. There is truth to that but I’m not volunteering to do it. I’m tired, so tired.

I also feel that speaking candidly and openly is reserved for those who have earned my trust. There are very few who have. These are the people who live their lives in such a way that expresses compassion, kindness, acceptance, and grace toward everyone they encounter. Last summer we had some friends from Europe visit us who exemplify this way of living.  They left us feeling more filled than we realized we needed, and their easygoing nature and unconditional acceptance were healing.

Going silent has its place depending on your mental and emotional state and timing. Staying silent only increases the burden. Let’s speak out more to those we trust, helping others understand how heavy this parenting journey is so that we can feel less burdened by the load.

Take care!

P.S. – Please give Megan Champion’s Instagram a look. She is amazing in her way of communicating all the things parents go through raising Autistic and Neurodivergent kids. https://www.instagram.com/on.the.hard.days/