This Autism Journey

Ahh, it’s almost Mother’s Day. That one time of the year where Mothers are singled out and noticed. Some mother’s celebrate the big day with their loved ones. Some mothers just want to be left alone.

For me, I have no plans. Actually, I did have plans but it didn’t work out. I wanted to see the Met Opera’s live in HD viewing of Giacomo Puccini’s Madama Butterfly at my local movie theater. My favorite tenor at the moment, Jonathan Tetelman, plays Pinkerton and I have always loved the character of Suzuki because my mom played Suzuki when she performed in Madama Butterfly many years before I was born. Sitting in the dark for 3 1/2 hours listening to all the soaring music and singing while eating a giant tub of buttered popcorn, sipping on a large diet coke and nursing a bag of Twizzlers seemed like a really wonderful way to recharge but, alas, it is not meant to be. I didn’t buy the tickets early enough.

Mother’s Day always makes me reflect on the types of mothers I know. Mothers are not perfect but amazing nonetheless.

I think of the working mom who provides for her family financially and emotionally. I think about the stay-at-home mom who, by choice or circumstance, is constantly showing up for her family even if she is always last to meet her own needs.

I think about the mom who is grieving the loss of a child. I hope your aching heart starts to beat with memories that bring you comfort. I think of women who want to be a mom but biology isn’t cooperating. I think of moms who have difficult relationships with their own mothers and how heavy that can be. I think of the moms going through custody battles, single moms doing everything, and moms raising kids with medical issues. I think about moms raising kids on the spectrum.

I think about my own mom. An accomplished opera singer and voice teacher who, due to life’s circumstances, ended up being a single parent to 3 very different girls. It was not always easy for her. She was a beautiful woman, with a loud cackling laugh, a face full of makeup (she loved makeup), a beautiful soprano singing voice and an unshakeable faith in God.

There were times when I was growing up that I wish she had been around more or had paid a little more attention to me. There were also times when I wish she would have left me alone.(Hello teenage years!!)

My relationship with my mother wasn’t always what I wanted or needed. She was neutral in her support and she couldn’t relate to what it was like for me to raise children on the spectrum with special needs. I used to get irritated with her for not trying hard enough to understand. I know I felt an uneasiness about this aspect of our relationship. Maybe she did as well or maybe she didn’t, I don’t know.

My mom was not overly affectionate but she was good at encouraging me. When she really wanted me to know she was proud of and loved me, she made sure there was never any doubt. She wasn’t one to want to babysit or cook me a meal, but she was always there to tell me to keep going, don’t give up, it will get better. In the end, all of the things I wish she had said or done didn’t really matter when it was time to say my final goodbye.

So, to all the moms out there on this Mother’s Day I want you to know that I see you, you are doing your best and that is good enough. To the moms who are struggling with motherhood – Keep going, don’t give up, it will get better.

Take care.

Here is a recording of my mom singing “O Mio Babbino Caro” by Giacomo Puccini. This is from her only album that she did with guitarist Bunyan Webb, titled Guitar and Song. It sounds a little warped in places but you can still hear her beautiful singing voice. I hope you enjoy.